Learning

After the seemingly shocking revelation of graduation being moved, I have chilled out quite a bit. We're planning for Friday night now, 12-17-10 around 7:30 or 8 pm. It works out because I wanted a night wedding originally! God has definitely spoke to me about chilling out...and how getting so worked up was irrational. It has been a learning experience for future times of panic! I got a little too worked up, doubting that December was the right time to get married.

Complete change of subject but my roommate and I have recently been discussing the "Elect." She learned about it last summer and we listened to this great sermon by Paul Washer, explaining it to us. But since then, I never really studied the Bible and got away from learning more. This past weekend we talked about it again. Through my questions and our discussion, I was so touched by how God works through people. I felt His presence so much when we were just talking and combing through scripture. I am so thankful for that experience. I still had some questions after that and I continued to pray about it. She lead me to a great blog article, answering my specific questions.http://jamespruch.wordpress.com/articles/gods-sovereign-choice-in-salvation/ It's pretty radical if you were raised in the kind of church/youth retreats I was, where God is this big teddy bear that you decide to pick up when you're ready to be a Christian. It's not easy to read, but at the same time it's not hard to accept when you dig through scripture. The verses that really grabbed my heart were: "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him." John 6:44, and "...but you do not believe because you are not part of my flock. My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me...My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." John 10: 26-27, 29 I have never noticed that kind of language in the Bible because it was never taught in my church...understandingly because I think it would kind of turn nonbelievers away to hear that followers of Christ are chosen. However, I believe it's the truth, which is difficult because a lot of my close friends do not believe that.

Honestly, it does not matter. I know I am a part of His flock, which I am grateful for and it makes me wonder why I act the way I do sometimes. My job is to preach the Gospel to everyone because ultimately I am not the one who will draw the believers. God calls His flock.

I think I have really grown the past few weeks, atleast in being open to where God is leading my life. I never thought I would be here or possibly planning the things I might be planning in the next few months. ;) Alex and I actually found a house in January that we really fell in love with and we thought would be our house someday...I'm learning to let that go and be open to moving wherever God takes us. I'm excited and ready to hang on for the ride! Just get me out of school more quickly and I'll be super happy.

Molly, thank you for the encouragement and prayer. I wish you lived closer!

The Date

Up until now, Alex and I have felt like we'd gotten some signs showing us that getting married December 18, 2010 was the perfect time. A class required for him to graduate, only scheduled in the spring and summer, was brought to his attention late last semester. The time for this spring conflicted with another class, therefore making it to where he either had to take it this summer (removing him from going to Fuge) or next spring (2011), which would mean we would have had to move the wedding to next summer after he (and I, by then) graduated. The teacher made an exception for he and Drew, because of the exceptional music education students they are, and let them take it by making it an independent study class. There were some scheduling issues late last year, another couple wanting our date, but since we booked so early (last July), we had the church first (there's no better way to say that). We've just felt for a long time that 12-18-10 was our day, and we've gotten attached to it.

However, today I just happened to look at the academic calendar for UTC next year to see when the last day of exams were. Turns out that UTC has all of a sudden changed graduations, starting after this May, to Saturdays instead of Sundays (Sundays have been the day for graduation forever). That means that Alex's graduation is now on Saturday, December 18, 2010 instead of Sunday, December 19, 2010...on our "ex"-wedding date.

After some screaming and a few tears and Alex saying "It's going to be fine" for the 734th time, I still have no idea what to do. I feel kind of silly for being so upset about this screwing everything up, but at the same time your wedding date is really important. It's most frustrating because we already booked the church for the ceremony/reception and the rehearsal, and the photographer. Thankfully, the photographer doesn't have a problem moving the day and the church won't either...it's just a matter of when we're going to move it to.

Yes, we have thought about Alex not walking at graduation. That was his first thought. But I don't think it's fair for him, and two people in our wedding party are graduating that day as well, so if we kept it the same day, we wouldn't have them at our wedding, which I don't want either. We've thought about Saturday night, but our pastor is already booked for a wedding that night, the church doesn't allow anything past 8pm, and the two people in our wedding party also graduating probably want to spend that night with their family. We've thought about Friday night. The church doesn't care how long you stay on Friday (I guess cause it gives them Saturday to put everything back where it was and prepare for church). But I'm so worried about it being a problem for people still in school or having to work that day and then driving to Chattanooga. And the rehearsal would be on a Thursday...who does that? We can't do it on Sunday because too much happens at my church on Sunday. I even thought about January 1, 2011. But I still think that's kind of weird...not sure what Alex thinks about that either. This has just absolutely messed everything up!

I know the most important thing is who I say my vows to and just being married is worth all this hassle, but it's still really frustrating. I also know that the people who care about us most will do anything they can to be at our wedding, so I shouldn't think too much about other people's opinions.

Now I'm starting to doubt that this is the time for us to get married. Should we really get married in December? Is this a sign saying, "No, don't get married in December"? Should we get married after I graduate, making most of my family happy? The only reason why we picked December was because he would be out of school. If he gets a job and has to move, he may have to move in January, so why even get married if we're just going to be apart for 5 months, 'til I'm out of school? I just do not know what to do...we're in quite a pickle.

Spring Break already?

So far, my Spring Break has been very different than what I expected. I had been planning on going to Virginia with SMB, but that fell through about a week ago. :( Don't get me wrong--it's been going well so far and let's be real, I've only technically been on Spring Break since yesterday. Yesterday I sat in a parking lot studying for a test that's after Spring Break, piddle-farted around the mall, ate lunch at Panera and continued studying for my test, picked up my wedding dress, went to CRU, worked out and then saw Alice in Wonderland. I shouldn't be complaining since I didn't have class yesterday, Wednesday or today. But deep down I'm kind of sad that I'm not going to a beach. I've never been to a beach on Spring Break and I feel like I am being deprived! No, I don't want to go to Panama City or Destin and drink beer all day with a bunch of college students. But I would like to be able to go to the beach with my girlfriends and relax, instead of staying in Chattanooga studying for a test...I have to make the best of it though. So tomorrow, Sarah and I are going to Atlanta to peruse Ikea and Lenox Square Mall. Then Sunday, Sarah and I are going hiking somewhere in Chattanooga. I don't want to feel deprived of a college experience just because I don't go to a beach. Rebecca, get over it!

Last night at CRU, Jason talked about Christian men, or being a Godly man. One thing he pointed out was that Christian men today or even men in general, not necessarily believers are a generation of weak men, who don't take responsibility for their actions or their life. They spend their time playing video games, or watching action movies or drinking, instead of furthering their relationship with God and taking action in their lives. He referenced the story of David, Bathsheba and Uriah from 2 Samuel, mentioning that while David did sin, he took responsibility for his actions when Nathan confronted him about it. From both David and Nathan, men can learn lessons about being a man of God. 1) From David, take responsibility for you sin. Confess and repent and embrace the forgiveness from Jesus Christ. 2) From Nathan, don't be afraid to stand up for the truth and to do that you must know the truth and spend time in God's word.

This made me feel so blessed and lucky to have Alex. While he is not perfect, he is a man of God. We had a difficult conversation a few nights ago about what our engagement means and what we should be doing differently. He was so honest with me about where God is leading him and being a spiritual leader saying that if that's what God is leading him to, I have to be willing to accept that. Lately I have not been accepting. My view of what engagement looks like is changing. Instead of focusing so much on us and spending a lot of time together, we should be spending more time with God, together and apart, learning how to love each other the way God loves us. The reason God created marriage is to be a representation of Jesus' love for the church. So that means me being willing to let Alex go with SMB and being a prayer warrior for them. It means me planning while he is gone so we can have that kind of life. It means me listening to what God is telling me and going where I'm supposed to go. That conversation really showed me that Alex is more committed to God than to me, which is ultimately a man of God.

Praying for SMB and Molly as they lead worship for students in Virginia!