Deal, or No Deal?

Alex and I have had a crazy week. I have just started a new job at an allergy clinic, where I've been working a TON. I'm thankful that they are scheduling me so much but I'm not used to it and it's wearing me out. Alex, on the other hand, does not have much to do job-wise until he leaves for Centrifuge in a couple of weeks :-(. So the combination does not leave us with much time together at all. This week has been especially busy, with a mid-week gig for SMB (Seth Medley Band) in Atlanta and 4 softball games.

Within that mix, Alex and I all of a sudden had this living opportunity before us. He was completely on board, and I was not, at first. We had many heated discussions and arguments that were just stressful. But then we somehow came to a compromise. Yesterday, we spent the whole day looking at apartments and then going to Lowe's. I was so excited after leaving Lowe's because this opportunity was seeming more and more like the blessing Alex was trying to get me to see. But last night while discussing our budget and money things we got into another argument and just absolutely was scary. I hated talking about that subject in the way we were and none of the responsibilities we talked about we have YET.

So after all of that...we've decided to stick with the safer route and live in an apartment. We have learned, however, that while money is essential and important to spend wisely, the most important thing in our marriage is loving each other.

Celebration

The semester is officially over!! Here are some pictures from this year...oh how the time has flown by!

my birthday. with swollen cheeks still from wisdom teeth removal (top) &

the first UTC football game of the season. last marching season for alex! woohoo (bottom).

first tennessee vol football game of the season, first and last kiffin season for TN (top) & alex's 21st birthday at provino's (bottom).

fall break, camping with the family. here at dixie stampede (top) & halloween at the symphony...clue characters, from left, col. mustard, ms. peacock, prof. plum, mrs. white, mr. green and ms. scarlet (bottom).

beat hunger (top) & rock city (bottom).

christmas with the roomies (top) & disney with the fantastic four (bottom).

christmas with the family (top) & memories of alex's dad (bottom).

about to celebrate jon & lizzy's engagement at UPD (top) & signal point (bottom), photo credit: lizzy kiern.

one of my best friend's lingerie shower!

alex and drew's senior recital, the lighting is horrible.

I just want to say how proud I am of Alex. He has made it through four years of college and wants to graduate so badly. All he has left is student teaching in the fall. While he finished the last of marching band last semester, he will have to help with marching band in the fall at the high school he student teaches at...which will be time consuming (every friday night football game and saturday camp, plus competitions). He will still be a part of the Seth Medley Band, which has a CD out--Congrats! He does so much, I don't even know how he has time for it all. I'm sure throughout all of his recent accomplishments, his dad is so proud of him.

He has stuck with me throughout these four years--thank God! He has been supportive, even though he may have been having a tough day. He has been challenging me, pushing me to be a better person to others and spiritually. He has become a part of my family and allowed me into his family. I know I talk him up a lot, but he is so great. I cannot wait to marry him December 17, 2010.

This summer, my goals are to:

-work, work, work

-make money, money, money

-save the money, money, money

-get the wedding planned to the very last detail

-find an apartment for Alex and I to plan to live in after we're married (:D)

-spend time relaxing, reading books, and spending time with friends.

School, Please Hurry Up and Finish!

I'm so close to being done with school for this semester. I have one exam today and the last one tomorrow. SO CLOSE! Then I will finally be a senior!

It's about that time when all my friends are starting to get married. Check out my summer:

• I know someone getting married May 8, 2010.
• Alex's brother is getting married June 5, 2010.
• I'm in one of my best friend's weddings on July 17, 2010.
• Alex is acting as best man for his best friend on August 7, 2010.
• Alex and I are both in a wedding in September 2010.

That leaves two more months until our own!! So not only will I be getting prepared for my own wedding this December, but I will be attending 5 this summer! Yay for weddings! I need to save money. :P

Congratulations to all my friends: Marlene & Zach, Megan & Mark, Molly & Zach, Lizzy & Jon, and Corinne & Alex Cooze!

Time to go take my second to last exam.

Not for the Faint at Heart

Tonight, at the Maunday Thursday service at my church, they offered a time where you could wash someone's feet. I didn't have Alex with me to wash his feet, so instead I read the rest of the Gospel of Mark, after the Last Supper. I think that was ok. :P

Anyway...as I was reading about the events that took place following Jesus' arrest, like all the high priests searching for a charge against him and finding nothing, being beaten and spit upon, and then being crucified and buried, I thought about his family and friends and wondered what they were thinking and how they were feeling while all this was going on. Did they know this was going to happen or were they as clueless as the disciples? Nothing is mentioned about the family until the burial, at least in the book of Mark.

What I am wondering now is how they dealt with that. What their grieving looked like, what they thought about Jesus after that, how they imagined their lives from then on without Jesus. It may say in other books, but I don't know the gospels well enough. I will read up...

I've never been so close to someone who was grieving as I am now with Alex. Sure, my close friends have lost grandparents, but it's not the same. Some days he is great, his usual, crazy self. Then some days, he'll act like he is ok, but if I say the wrong thing, he just can't handle it and says, "I'm having a hard day, ok?" It's so hard to tell when he's struggling and when he is doing ok because he won't tell me unless I hit the wrong button. I've tried telling him that if I know he's having a rough day I can do my best to not hit push his buttons, but if I have no clue, I can't help him. That may not be the best policy but I've gone back to my normal routine, while everyday he is facing another day without his dad.

How lucky for the family of Jesus to see Jesus risen from death after he was buried! How lucky are we to know that through all his suffering, the scripture is fulfilled and He was resurrected! So tomorrow, as we go through Good Friday and remember everything that happened on that Friday, 2010 years ago, grieve because of the suffering He faced but remember what is to come Sunday morning!

"What wondrous love is this, oh my soul, oh my soul. What wondrous love is this, oh my soul."

Learning

After the seemingly shocking revelation of graduation being moved, I have chilled out quite a bit. We're planning for Friday night now, 12-17-10 around 7:30 or 8 pm. It works out because I wanted a night wedding originally! God has definitely spoke to me about chilling out...and how getting so worked up was irrational. It has been a learning experience for future times of panic! I got a little too worked up, doubting that December was the right time to get married.

Complete change of subject but my roommate and I have recently been discussing the "Elect." She learned about it last summer and we listened to this great sermon by Paul Washer, explaining it to us. But since then, I never really studied the Bible and got away from learning more. This past weekend we talked about it again. Through my questions and our discussion, I was so touched by how God works through people. I felt His presence so much when we were just talking and combing through scripture. I am so thankful for that experience. I still had some questions after that and I continued to pray about it. She lead me to a great blog article, answering my specific questions.http://jamespruch.wordpress.com/articles/gods-sovereign-choice-in-salvation/ It's pretty radical if you were raised in the kind of church/youth retreats I was, where God is this big teddy bear that you decide to pick up when you're ready to be a Christian. It's not easy to read, but at the same time it's not hard to accept when you dig through scripture. The verses that really grabbed my heart were: "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him." John 6:44, and "...but you do not believe because you are not part of my flock. My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me...My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." John 10: 26-27, 29 I have never noticed that kind of language in the Bible because it was never taught in my church...understandingly because I think it would kind of turn nonbelievers away to hear that followers of Christ are chosen. However, I believe it's the truth, which is difficult because a lot of my close friends do not believe that.

Honestly, it does not matter. I know I am a part of His flock, which I am grateful for and it makes me wonder why I act the way I do sometimes. My job is to preach the Gospel to everyone because ultimately I am not the one who will draw the believers. God calls His flock.

I think I have really grown the past few weeks, atleast in being open to where God is leading my life. I never thought I would be here or possibly planning the things I might be planning in the next few months. ;) Alex and I actually found a house in January that we really fell in love with and we thought would be our house someday...I'm learning to let that go and be open to moving wherever God takes us. I'm excited and ready to hang on for the ride! Just get me out of school more quickly and I'll be super happy.

Molly, thank you for the encouragement and prayer. I wish you lived closer!

The Date

Up until now, Alex and I have felt like we'd gotten some signs showing us that getting married December 18, 2010 was the perfect time. A class required for him to graduate, only scheduled in the spring and summer, was brought to his attention late last semester. The time for this spring conflicted with another class, therefore making it to where he either had to take it this summer (removing him from going to Fuge) or next spring (2011), which would mean we would have had to move the wedding to next summer after he (and I, by then) graduated. The teacher made an exception for he and Drew, because of the exceptional music education students they are, and let them take it by making it an independent study class. There were some scheduling issues late last year, another couple wanting our date, but since we booked so early (last July), we had the church first (there's no better way to say that). We've just felt for a long time that 12-18-10 was our day, and we've gotten attached to it.

However, today I just happened to look at the academic calendar for UTC next year to see when the last day of exams were. Turns out that UTC has all of a sudden changed graduations, starting after this May, to Saturdays instead of Sundays (Sundays have been the day for graduation forever). That means that Alex's graduation is now on Saturday, December 18, 2010 instead of Sunday, December 19, 2010...on our "ex"-wedding date.

After some screaming and a few tears and Alex saying "It's going to be fine" for the 734th time, I still have no idea what to do. I feel kind of silly for being so upset about this screwing everything up, but at the same time your wedding date is really important. It's most frustrating because we already booked the church for the ceremony/reception and the rehearsal, and the photographer. Thankfully, the photographer doesn't have a problem moving the day and the church won't either...it's just a matter of when we're going to move it to.

Yes, we have thought about Alex not walking at graduation. That was his first thought. But I don't think it's fair for him, and two people in our wedding party are graduating that day as well, so if we kept it the same day, we wouldn't have them at our wedding, which I don't want either. We've thought about Saturday night, but our pastor is already booked for a wedding that night, the church doesn't allow anything past 8pm, and the two people in our wedding party also graduating probably want to spend that night with their family. We've thought about Friday night. The church doesn't care how long you stay on Friday (I guess cause it gives them Saturday to put everything back where it was and prepare for church). But I'm so worried about it being a problem for people still in school or having to work that day and then driving to Chattanooga. And the rehearsal would be on a Thursday...who does that? We can't do it on Sunday because too much happens at my church on Sunday. I even thought about January 1, 2011. But I still think that's kind of weird...not sure what Alex thinks about that either. This has just absolutely messed everything up!

I know the most important thing is who I say my vows to and just being married is worth all this hassle, but it's still really frustrating. I also know that the people who care about us most will do anything they can to be at our wedding, so I shouldn't think too much about other people's opinions.

Now I'm starting to doubt that this is the time for us to get married. Should we really get married in December? Is this a sign saying, "No, don't get married in December"? Should we get married after I graduate, making most of my family happy? The only reason why we picked December was because he would be out of school. If he gets a job and has to move, he may have to move in January, so why even get married if we're just going to be apart for 5 months, 'til I'm out of school? I just do not know what to do...we're in quite a pickle.

Spring Break already?

So far, my Spring Break has been very different than what I expected. I had been planning on going to Virginia with SMB, but that fell through about a week ago. :( Don't get me wrong--it's been going well so far and let's be real, I've only technically been on Spring Break since yesterday. Yesterday I sat in a parking lot studying for a test that's after Spring Break, piddle-farted around the mall, ate lunch at Panera and continued studying for my test, picked up my wedding dress, went to CRU, worked out and then saw Alice in Wonderland. I shouldn't be complaining since I didn't have class yesterday, Wednesday or today. But deep down I'm kind of sad that I'm not going to a beach. I've never been to a beach on Spring Break and I feel like I am being deprived! No, I don't want to go to Panama City or Destin and drink beer all day with a bunch of college students. But I would like to be able to go to the beach with my girlfriends and relax, instead of staying in Chattanooga studying for a test...I have to make the best of it though. So tomorrow, Sarah and I are going to Atlanta to peruse Ikea and Lenox Square Mall. Then Sunday, Sarah and I are going hiking somewhere in Chattanooga. I don't want to feel deprived of a college experience just because I don't go to a beach. Rebecca, get over it!

Last night at CRU, Jason talked about Christian men, or being a Godly man. One thing he pointed out was that Christian men today or even men in general, not necessarily believers are a generation of weak men, who don't take responsibility for their actions or their life. They spend their time playing video games, or watching action movies or drinking, instead of furthering their relationship with God and taking action in their lives. He referenced the story of David, Bathsheba and Uriah from 2 Samuel, mentioning that while David did sin, he took responsibility for his actions when Nathan confronted him about it. From both David and Nathan, men can learn lessons about being a man of God. 1) From David, take responsibility for you sin. Confess and repent and embrace the forgiveness from Jesus Christ. 2) From Nathan, don't be afraid to stand up for the truth and to do that you must know the truth and spend time in God's word.

This made me feel so blessed and lucky to have Alex. While he is not perfect, he is a man of God. We had a difficult conversation a few nights ago about what our engagement means and what we should be doing differently. He was so honest with me about where God is leading him and being a spiritual leader saying that if that's what God is leading him to, I have to be willing to accept that. Lately I have not been accepting. My view of what engagement looks like is changing. Instead of focusing so much on us and spending a lot of time together, we should be spending more time with God, together and apart, learning how to love each other the way God loves us. The reason God created marriage is to be a representation of Jesus' love for the church. So that means me being willing to let Alex go with SMB and being a prayer warrior for them. It means me planning while he is gone so we can have that kind of life. It means me listening to what God is telling me and going where I'm supposed to go. That conversation really showed me that Alex is more committed to God than to me, which is ultimately a man of God.

Praying for SMB and Molly as they lead worship for students in Virginia!